Working Mom... 1 year later

​Today marks one year since I returned to work from maternity leave. I would love to tell expectant or new moms that it gets easier… and it does…then it gets harder… it comes in waves actually. Some days I’m excited to get to work and the day flies by, some days I’m dragging my feet not wanting to leave my little guy. I was very lucky to get 11 weeks of (paid) maternity leave, and then took 6 more weeks to work back up to full time. Even now I have a flexible schedule and understanding employer that allows me to work from home on Fridays, and work from home or take off time when needed, like when he was extremely sick with RSV and then an ear infection all last week. Two of my supervisors are working Moms and have been such great mentors in this journey. They are always there to provide advice, commiserate, or support when needed. They never question if I say I’m running late, or need to leave early, and trust that I am getting my job done and can always be reached if needed. I recently had the opportunity to hire a new mom that was returning to the workforce and I am making sure I provide her with the same support and understanding environment that I have.

​I’ve had trouble feeling like I’m not “as good as I was” before I became a mom. I sometimes feel like I half ass everything. I’m not a perfect employee, nor a perfect Mom or wife. But good enough is good enough for me… at least I try to tell myself that. I have trouble with self-care---- something I’m making a new year’s resolution for myself. Making sure MY cup is full is important and necessary in order for me to fill other’s cups, like Bram, Lee and my employer.  I was doing good, then life happened, things got busy, and simple things like pedicures, bubble baths, going to the gym….all got pushed off for more urgent needs.  I’m hoping in 2017 I can work on my happiness and it will feed the happiness tanks of those around me.

I sometimes wonder how my infertility influences my feelings about being a parent. I feel pressure (mostly from myself!) to enjoy it more because he's such a miracle. I have the responsibility (self inflicted) to savor and remember every little thing because I know how lucky I am to have him.  I should go easy on myself but I know how lucky I am (I've had my fair share of misfortune too) and I try to keep that in mind every day.

​I pumped at work until he was 10 months old, I started to HATE pumping and was worried it would end our nursing relationship which I didn't want so I decided to stop pumping byt still nurse. I am lucky to still have a good stash of donor milk (we supplemented since he was 11 days old) that he drinks 2 bottles of a day while I’m at work, I have been mixing it with cow’s milk to extend it and to also start the transition so when we run out of breast milk he’ll be ok with cows milk. We’re still nursing when I’m home which has been amazing….when he isn’t doing acrobatic moves or pinching or punching my breasts…ah toddler nursing. I honestly don’t see us stopping any time soon. Its such a great tool to help with toddler meltdowns & teething, hopefully he weans before college ;-).  I will admit I used to think nursing after 1 was “weird” and that I’d never do it…and here I am…we’ll see what happens when he turns two… I’m secretly hoping he will self-wean before then….but he’s a total boob monster so we’ll see. Some moms get “touched out” and want their bodies back, I’m not there yet, but I can totally understand that feeling, I just hope I will be able to wean him gently if need be, as he seems very attached.

​I still day dream about being a full time Mom and not having to work, but I’m not sure that will ever happen. So I am trying to make my current situation a happy and fulfilling one. Luckily Bram is in the care of amazing caring family members and is constantly loved and doted over. I couldn’t ask for a better arrangement. But being a working mom is tough… like way off the charts tough, but I’ve never backed down from a challenge before and this time isn’t any different.