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Things NOT to say to Intended Parents

7/8/2014

14 Comments

 
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While we are just starting out on our unique journey to become parents, we have already been asked/told some mindboggling things. And while I know surrogacy isn’t all that common, and what most people know are from celebrities and the news media, I was surprised by some of the comments and questions. 

I have had so many people ask me so many questions about our journey, about infertility and about gestational surrogacy… some of them stop themselves and say  “Am I being too personal? If I am, just tell me.”  And if you’ve ever said this to me, you’re probably right now thinking, “Crap, she’s writing this because of me. I offended her.” Just know that you didn't and this post is not directed at any person or situation in particular. With the help of fellow amazing Intended Mothers I have compiled a list to help the general public because of the many questions we'’ve been asked, the many comments I’ve heard shared on the surrogacy pages I follow.

Here are the top things you should NOT say to Intended 
Parents going through Gestational Surrogacy.



Why don’t you just adopt?
I think adoption is beautiful, and an equally valid and available choice for ALL who seek to become parents, not just us “infertiles” but it’s a choice, a personal choice. I could ask you the same, just because you can have children naturally, why don’t you just adopt?? Also adoption can be expensive...like really expensive, sometimes more than gestational surrogacy, and the fear of having a birth mom back out is unsettling. Read a great blog post about this question.

You must be RICH!
To be honest most intended parents are dead broke and in mountains of debt. For most, surrogacy is a “last resort” meaning they have spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments already before venturing into surrogacy. For others they have saved up, lived frugally for years and/or were awarded grants to achieve their families through surrogacy. Unfortunately famous celebrities make it seem glamorous to use a gestational surrogate, trust me it’s not glamorous.

Is it your baby? I know it’s yours, but is it YOURS yours?

Firstly ,the genetics of my child is none of your business . Secondly, with gestational surrogacy the embryo is made through IVF using the intended parent’s sperm and eggs, or donor sperm/eggs or a combination both donor and Intended Parents.  A gestational surrogate is not genetically related to the child they carry…that’s called Traditional Surrogacy. 

Any comment or question that contains the words "real mother" in it.
"Real mother" what do you mean by that? I'm the child's genetic, biological and Intended Mother. The Surrogate is a carrier or Gestational Mother if you really need to put the word mother in there. But indicating or asking "who the real mother is" is demeaning and inappropriate.

 You let your husband have sex with another woman?!
Um yeah, no…definitely not. To be honest no sex is involved at all….it’s the magic of science! Read the explanation above.
 
If there are twins does the surrogate get to keep one??
No, any baby(ies) she carries as a result of our embryo(s) being transferred to her womb are ours. In addition its actually clearly stated in our contract that we HAVE to assume all legal and physical custody of the child(ren) no matter if they are healthy, ill, how many, if we get divorced or die (then our estate has to figure out custody). So in NO WAY does the surrogate have any legal or physical rights to the child(ren) she carries…especially if its twins!

Didn’t you/don’t you feel jealous of the surrogate?
I find this question very rude and intrusive. And it just makes the situation uncomfortable, there is no easy way to answer this, so thanks for making me feel like an idiot.
       
Wow you're so lucky you don’t have to get fat / ruin your body / have morning sickness.
Do you know what I would give to have the opportunity to “ruin my body” in order to be pregnant myself? This is not a perk of surrogacy…it is another reminder of our incapable bodies. 
      
Ew you’re going to breastfeed even though you weren’t pregnant???
Um yep… it’s not gross, it’s actually very natural…get over it! Do you know in some countries MEN breastfeed! Let that BLOW your mind! Inducing lactation has been around since the beginning of time, adoptive mothers, non gestational mothers in a same sex relationships, and mothers through surrogacy can provide the same nutritional value and bonding experience as other Moms.

I don't know how some woman would be a surrogate, I never could.
Luckily you don’t have to understand it. It does take a special kind of woman, and we are all hugely thankful for them.

How do you know she will give up the baby?

Because she’s not giving it UP…she’s giving it BACK. Big difference, it was never hers to begin with.  Think of it as an Extreme Babysitter. This mindset is part of the requirement to become a gestational surrogate.
  
You can borrow my kid for a day, you won’t want one so much anymore.
I don’t want your kid. I want ours. And I'm sure spending the day with your kid would only cement the dream for us, no matter how much you have messed them up. 

How do u explain to your kid that they are actually 5 years older than they think because that's how long they were frozen before your surrogate got pregnant?

Wow…ok ummm…..thats not how it works. I don’t even know where to start with this one….just walk away.

Why would you want someone else to carry your baby for you?
I don’t WANT to… I HAVE to.  I don't know anyone that would want to spend tens of thousands of dollars to watch someone else experience the miracle of pregnancy, if there is they should seek mental help.

I wish someone would of have given birth to my kids for me!
You are lucky to be naive enough to believe that. Trust me if you needed to use a gestational carrier you would not think that way. You should treasure that special time with your kids, some women don't get the chance to.

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If you're an Intended Parent, did I miss any? Post the most crazy question/comment you ever got in the comments below!
14 Comments
Sylvia Martinez
7/8/2014 04:25:59 am

Another thing I have heard personally is someone else's failed attempt. I think people should never compare someone else's story with yours.

Reply
Annemarie bernardino
7/8/2014 05:00:42 am

How much does it cost? Well exactly how much does what cost? Failed treatments, meds, doctors, surro cost, ivf costs? Rude Rude Rude....my aunts asked me directly and when

Reply
Annemarie bernardino
7/8/2014 05:02:29 am

And when I didn't tell her she asked my mom who I didn't tell and I didn't tell anyone we were having the baby until two months before the due date bc of all the heartache we had gone through.....

Reply
Krystina
7/8/2014 12:08:24 pm

I was super upset that when I said I was pro-choice that I should be pro-life more than anyone because I had adopted. Didn't I realize that if my daughter's birth mother wasn't pro-life (actually, she's pro-choice) had aborted, I wouldn't have my daughter? I guess adopting takes away my right to support others in their life decisions!

Reply
Victoria Eddings
7/8/2014 03:36:07 pm

If your surrogate is black, is there a chance your baby could be black?
Where does the mother live?
Did her husband need genetic testing?
Is your other son "yours"?

Reply
Brittany
7/11/2014 01:58:32 pm

My mother-in-law says this once a year, "medical science will advance enough in a few years that they'll be able to build you your missing pieces and you and Son can have a baby that's 100% yours." Wtf woman? We've started ignoring her.

Reply
Rhy Morrigan link
7/13/2014 09:15:29 am

My favorite reply to the really intrusive questions about genetic etc., is "Wow, that's a super personal question! I'm surprised you would ask!" Then just allow the uncomfortable silence to stretch for a moment before changing the subject.

Reply
Tammi
7/31/2015 04:20:56 pm

Thanks for this blog. It's given me a reminder about helpful vocabulary to use when I need to....:)

Reply
daiella link
9/30/2017 03:00:25 am

Surrogacy is a challenging process, surrogate mothers and intended parents shouldn't compare compare someone else's story with theirs.
Nice article!

Reply
Nancy Solheim
10/4/2017 07:31:39 pm

I've had some interest in being a gestational carrier. I live in Arizona where I've heard the laws regarding this are very strict. Are there any suggestions for me? Thank you.

Reply
dani link
4/24/2018 10:03:04 am

Thanks for creating this blog and sharing information about surrogacy and the different types of surrogacy options intended parents and surrogates have

Reply
Femiint Fertility link
6/6/2018 06:29:45 am

Its really helpful, Thanks for sharing such a useful and great blog about <a href="https://www.femiintfertility.in/">Fertility</a>

Reply
Domestic Violence link
6/7/2018 07:56:27 am

This is highly informatics, crisp and clear. I think that everything has been described in systematic manner so that reader could get maximum information and learn many things.

Reply
Reproductive Science Medical Center link
8/17/2018 02:12:48 am

Thanks for sharing this, it is very informative The Surrogacy is a challenging process and Reproductive Science Medical Center provides services of diagnosis, IVF, surrogacy, OB|GYN and legal counsel. It offers you not stop solutions and give best & consistent care to their patients.

Reply



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