Things NOT to say to Intended Parents

While we are just starting out on our unique journey to become parents, we have already been asked/told some mindboggling things. And while I know surrogacy isn’t all that common, and what most people know are from celebrities and the news media, I was surprised by some of the comments and questions. 

I have had so many people ask me so many questions about our journey, about infertility and about gestational surrogacy… some of them stop themselves and say  “Am I being too personal? If I am, just tell me.”  And if you’ve ever said this to me, you’re probably right now thinking, “Crap, she’s writing this because of me. I offended her.” Just know that you didn't and this post is not directed at any person or situation in particular. With the help of fellow amazing Intended Mothers I have compiled a list to help the general public because of the many questions we'’ve been asked, the many comments I’ve heard shared on the surrogacy pages I follow.

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Here are the top things you should NOT say to Intended 
Parents going through Gestational Surrogacy.

Why don’t you just adopt?
I think adoption is beautiful, and an equally valid and available choice for ALL who seek to become parents, not just us “infertiles” but it’s a choice, a personal choice. I could ask you the same, just because you can have children naturally, why don’t you just adopt?? Also adoption can be expensive...like really expensive, sometimes more than gestational surrogacy, and the fear of having a birth mom back out is unsettling. Read a great blog post about this question.

You must be RICH!
To be honest most intended parents are dead broke and in mountains of debt. For most, surrogacy is a “last resort” meaning they have spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments already before venturing into surrogacy. For others they have saved up, lived frugally for years and/or were awarded grants to achieve their families through surrogacy. Unfortunately famous celebrities make it seem glamorous to use a gestational surrogate, trust me it’s not glamorous.

Is it your baby? I know it’s yours, but is it YOURS yours?
Firstly ,the genetics of my child is none of your business . Secondly, with gestational surrogacy the embryo is made through IVF using the intended parent’s sperm and eggs, or donor sperm/eggs or a combination both donor and Intended Parents.  A gestational surrogate is not genetically related to the child they carry…that’s called Traditional Surrogacy. 

Any comment or question that contains the words "real mother" in it.
"Real mother" what do you mean by that? I'm the child's genetic, biological and Intended Mother. The Surrogate is a carrier or Gestational Mother if you really need to put the word mother in there. But indicating or asking "who the real mother is" is demeaning and inappropriate.

 You let your husband have sex with another woman?!
Um yeah, no…definitely not. To be honest no sex is involved at all….it’s the magic of science! Read the explanation above.
 
If there are twins does the surrogate get to keep one??
No, any baby(ies) she carries as a result of our embryo(s) being transferred to her womb are ours. In addition its actually clearly stated in our contract that we HAVE to assume all legal and physical custody of the child(ren) no matter if they are healthy, ill, how many, if we get divorced or die (then our estate has to figure out custody). So in NO WAY does the surrogate have any legal or physical rights to the child(ren) she carries…especially if its twins!

Didn’t you/don’t you feel jealous of the surrogate?
I find this question very rude and intrusive. And it just makes the situation uncomfortable, there is no easy way to answer this, so thanks for making me feel like an idiot.
       
Wow you're so lucky you don’t have to get fat / ruin your body / have morning sickness.
Do you know what I would give to have the opportunity to “ruin my body” in order to be pregnant myself? This is not a perk of surrogacy…it is another reminder of our incapable bodies. 
      
Ew you’re going to breastfeed even though you weren’t pregnant???
Um yep… it’s not gross, it’s actually very natural…get over it! Do you know in some countries MEN breastfeed! Let that BLOW your mind! Inducing lactation has been around since the beginning of time, adoptive mothers, non gestational mothers in a same sex relationships, and mothers through surrogacy can provide the same nutritional value and bonding experience as other Moms.

I don't know how some woman would be a surrogate, I never could.
Luckily you don’t have to understand it. It does take a special kind of woman, and we are all hugely thankful for them.

How do you know she will give up the baby?
Because she’s not giving it UP…she’s giving it BACK. Big difference, it was never hers to begin with.  Think of it as an Extreme Babysitter. This mindset is part of the requirement to become a gestational surrogate.
  
You can borrow my kid for a day, you won’t want one so much anymore.
I don’t want your kid. I want ours. And I'm sure spending the day with your kid would only cement the dream for us, no matter how much you have messed them up. 

How do u explain to your kid that they are actually 5 years older than they think because that's how long they were frozen before your surrogate got pregnant?
Wow…ok ummm…..thats not how it works. I don’t even know where to start with this one….just walk away.

Why would you want someone else to carry your baby for you?
I don’t WANT to… I HAVE to.  I don't know anyone that would want to spend tens of thousands of dollars to watch someone else experience the miracle of pregnancy, if there is they should seek mental help.

I wish someone would of have given birth to my kids for me!
You are lucky to be naive enough to believe that. Trust me if you needed to use a gestational carrier you would not think that way. You should treasure that special time with your kids, some women don't get the chance to.

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If you're an Intended Parent, did I miss any? Post the most crazy question/comment you ever got in the comments below!